Some of my loyal readers have been complaining that as they are not Soccer fans the World Cup is a bore for them. One of the problems of course is that they don't understand the game. To help them understand the game better I present:-

Soccer for Mannequins

Kick Off - This starts off the game. It is one of the few times in a game when a player's shin guard is not dented.

Foul - A foul is committed when a player convinces the referee that a law has been transgressed even when, in fact, no law has been transgressed. This usually involves a lot of hand gesturing, head holding and rolling around on the ground feigning great pain.

Free Kick - This is awarded to the player against whom a foul has deemed to have been committed. It is a known fact that Pfizer have a full time team of researchers looking to replicate the pain relieving properties of the referees whistle when blown to award the free kick.

Off-Side Rule - Variation One: A player is offside when a player receives the ball in the opponents half and no opposition player is between him and the goalkeeper. Variation two: A player is offside when the linesman is too far away from the action and takes a guess. Variation three: A player is offside when the two opposition players he was legitimately behind hold up their hands and scream loudly enough at the linesman so intimidating him that he is forced to raise his flag.

Defender - Players whose job it is to prevent the opposition from scoring goals. This includes goalkeepers like Rob Green David James, Backs like Matthew Upson, Ashley Cole, John Terry er.. well.. you know what I mean.

Midfielder - Players who provide goal scoring opportunities for the Forward players like Stephen Gerrard, Frank Lampard, er.. well.. you know what I mean.

Forward - Players whose job it is to score goals like Wayne Rooney, Emile Heskey, Peter Crouch, Thomas Muller, Miroslav Klose and Matthew Upson. MATTHEW UPSON???!!!???

Manager - This person is easily identified. He is the one one the sideline dressed in a Saville Row suit. He never touches the ball and never enters the field of play. He is notable for his designer spectacles, his ability to jump up and down while wildly flapping his arms and yelling very loudly. They also gesticulate and point in the manner of an under 5s coach who points to the opposition goal before the start of every game and for the same reason. He is the one that chooses the team and decides all the plays. Despite the fact that the players do not perform to potential, ignore the game plan, ignore the jumping up and down and ignore the hand signals he is the one that gets fired when the team loses.

Goal - The object of the game is to score goals. A goal is scored when the ball crosses the line between the goal posts and under the crossbar into the area enclosed by netting providing the referee, linesman or goalkeeper say it didn't.

Referee - Best described by the phrase "Where the hell are your glasses you flippen pillock!"

Linesman - Best described by the phrase "Where the hell are your glasses you flippen pillock!"

Penalty - is awarded when the player commits a maneuver borrowed from boxing called a "dive" inside the rectangle in front of the goals. Penalty's or spot kicks as they are commonly known, are sometimes used to decide the result of a game when the scores are tied. This has enabled the English German Soccer team to win many of their matches.

WAG - Wife and girlfriend. In the olden days was plural and applied to the women who follow the team. Nowadays it is singular and applies to John Terry.

Technology - The answer to the question - "What is brought to every International Soccer Game and never used?"

Here are some important numbers associated with the game.

Eleven - The number of players making up a team if the Referee and Linesmen have not been "bought".
Forty Seven - The average number of WAGs (see above) attached to each team.
One - The number of times England have won the World Cup.
Seven million eight thousand four hundred and ninety two - The number of times that game has been shown on the BBC.
Seventeen - The average number of paternity suits an International player can expect to have to defend during his playing career.
 
So now you know.

Contributed by RIC007WP